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Intrinsic Noise

I woke up early in the morning briefly disoriented of my surroundings. The hot sunny weather sizzled my room to the point of discomfort, but I did not mind; because at that moment I was temporarily accompanied by feelings of .. emptiness. 

No, I am not talking about emptiness as a negative connotation here, as what it is usually associated to; I am talking about emptiness as nothing – a moment of nothingness wherein the past and future did not happen. 

I do envy children. I am disappointed for ever thinking that reaching this stage of adulthood would be much better or cooler than being childish. I quite remember the time when whenever I was put into slumber, I would stare hours and hours at my window, illuminated by a lamp post situated outside, until I slowly drowsed myself to sleep. I never thought of anything else, just the light illuminating my window orange. It was pure mindfulness. 

Children subconsciously practice mindfulness. They may get involve into quarrels, but they never dwell once those circumstances end. They move on and do things as if whatever happened yesterday did not happen. They only think of the now. How blissful it is to experience such again?

I tried perusing reads related to mindfulness. I followed the instructions on how to achieve inner silence and embrace the present situation I am in. However, it has proven to be ineffective. I cannot help but hear the intrinsic noise. I may be surrounded by tranquility, but the noise inside overwhelms it. The things I once did, such as staring at my window for hours mindlessly, cannot be done without diverting my mind to things like how will I come off to others on monday?; That thing I did months ago, that was embarrassing; Can I maintain what I started? 

The brief emptiness I feel every morning is the only thing that keeps me from thinking of then and if. If only I can nominate sleeping as my proxy for managing my constant worries.

Oh man, when will I be able to reduce the noise? 

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