Why I Dislike Medications

Anxiety, paranoia, high sensitivity, and high sense of self. These were once considered normal for a 4 year old me. It was my initial impression that whatever I experience, everyone experiences it as well.

As far as I can recall, I was three or four years old, when I became aware of my seemingly keen observation to everything. Regardless of the pettiness of the situation- may it be a picturesque view of the stars while riding back home or the walks I make at mundane places – I easily cry. I had not realized that it was one of my anxiety symptoms: a heightened sense of everything likely causes me to become more anxious than average.

Many years go by, I never knew I have an underlying problem; a deceptive condition that made doctors misdiagnose my state: “You are not eating well. That causes your feelings of inadequacy”, “You just had a muscle spasm. No worries. You need more sugar intake.”, “I believe you are experiencing a migraine. Take some rest. Minimize your stress.”

The urge to seek the real answer of my symptoms led me to do a search. The question is where do I start? 

I discovered my ailment by happenstance. My aunt used to say that I might be having a condition similar to hers. Therefore, I did some tests. She got it right.

As a result, my medications have started. 

I understand that it is for my own good. However, as I was taking it as prescribed by the doctor, something in me changed. I cannot cry easily, I do not feel too sensitive, I feel lethargic, and I am not as anxious as before.

Is this what being normal means? 

The flavor of my personality seems to be seeping out of me. I feel unhinged. For many years, what I thought was normal is not normal to others, yet I feel like being normal is not normal for me. 

Today, I am fighting this urge to let myself fall into the abyss; despite these unusual feelings from my medications.


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